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Oh My, Darling


Alistair Darling has said that he would be happy to do a TV debate against Salmond: “I will but I don’t think he’ll do it.  Because he’s very status-conscious. He regards himself as a head of state.  As we say in Scotland, he’s got a very good conceit of himself.”  That sums up Salmond perfectly, thinking he’s leader of a country rather than the puffed-up administrator of a parish council.  A parish council, we might add, that London could abolish any time it chooses.

No wonder Mr Darling is so flipping mad.  The flipping separatists are using the flipping powers they have at Holyrood to silence those who flipping well dare to criticise their plans for breakaway.  And “flipping” is a word Mr Darling is well acquainted with.  However, he’s too polite to use anything stronger, believing that the debate must be kept positive.  ”We’re determined to advance the positive case for the union.  What if there was another Scottish banking collapse after the divorce?  What are their plans for when we ignore economic advice and refuse to join a currency union with them?  All they’ve done so far is bully and smear those who disagree with them and unleash their vile army of cybernat activists.”

Alistair, you deserved the rapturous ovation you got at our conference.  We’re proud to stand with you.  Our cause is just.

Don’t Let The Separatists Hood-Wink Us


“If the Scottish people are going to be better off economically and so on, I would still be against breaking away from the Union,” said MP for Lanark and Hamilton East, Jim Hood.  Which party?  Well it doesn’t really matter does it?  We’re all in this together in our fight against the evils of separatism.

This willingness to stick together come what may, with no thought of how it’d impact on your own career, is exactly the type of British bulldog spirit that won us two world wars and a world cup.  If only there were more of your sort, Mr Hood.  Oh wait a minute, there are – all around you on the Commons benches.  We salute you and are proud you’re on our side.

Al’s Well With The Union


“We do have to appeal to people’s hearts,” said North British Secretary Alistair Carmichael. “We have got to put a bit of passion and a bit of wit into this debate.”  That’s exactly the type of thing he would’ve done on the STV debate if that screeching harridan Sturgeon had let him get a word in edgeways.  Shocking bias by the programme makers letting her get away with it, but then that’s what we’ve come to expect in this campaign.

Alistair has been called a “quisling” in the course of the run-up to the referendum, clearly demonstrating that bigoted nationalist rhetoric is poisoning the debate.  We stand shoulder to shoulder with you, Alistair.  Don’t let these evil scumbags get you down with their negativity and attempts to drag the debate into the gutter.  They’re nothing but a virus.


We’re Grateful For Tall Murphies


“Defence spending would be slashed by 25 per cent if voters back separation,” Labour’s Jim Murphy has warned.  What on earth are the separatists thinking about?  Presumably they’ll be wanting rid of Trident too.  Utterly suicidal.  Al Qaeda would be over here on September 19th after a Yes vote.

Defence isn’t the only concern of course.  ”I’ve become increasingly scunnered as I listen to the SNP talk about the communities I grew up in and telling them that everybody will be better off when in truth the opposite is the case.”  How could it be otherwise?  The oil won’t last forever and then what would you do?  There’d be no way back.  You’d be like Norway when they separated from Sweden.  No, your best interests are served by sending all your cash to London to look after for you.  It’s known as the best of both worlds.  That way you don’t have to worry about what to spend it on.

And That’s The Ruth

Ruth Davidson

The leader of the blue section of the Tory triumvirate has said that “we have a lot of work to do to hammer home to people just how much Scotland gains from being part of the UK and how much the United Kingdom benefits from Scotland as a member.”  Invoking memories of Edward I, the Hammer of the Scots, is clearly the best way to bring some wavering, fearful North Brits back into the fold.

We’re lucky that in this day and age we get to democratically choose who rules over us.  Folk forget that.  Back in Edward’s day rule was imposed on people from out-of-touch leaders who lived hundreds of miles away and who saw them as nothing more than cash cows.  We truly don’t know we’re living.

This Much And No Moore


“There was a time, at the birth of the Scottish Parliament, that the whole argument of ‘we are too poor, too wee, too far away’, was used to ward people off independence. Now­adays it doesn’t work as a concept.”  So said former North British secretary Michael Moore.  Still, no harm in keeping on using it.

He has also been quoted as saying that “you can’t have a vastly different immigration policy in Scotland without a strong border.”  What we at Tory Hoose fail to understand is why a separate Scotland would need an immigration policy at all.  I mean, who would want to go there?  The biggest challenge would be quickly dualling the A1 all the way down to Berwick to cope with the vast number of folk fleeing from the Dear Leader’s correction camps.

Just Say Miaow


George – we salute your indefe… your ingaf… your indgafa… aye, whatever.  What can we say?  On your “Just Say Naw” tour, not only are you explaining the folly of going it alone to the North Brits but you’re actually charging them for the privilege as well.  Whoever thought we’d make a capitalist out of you?

Taking £13 from them too.  A pound for every vote you got at the last Scottish election.  Sheer genius.

A Time For Doing


With support for separation collapsing, evaporating and generally dropping like “snaw aff a dyke”, Ian Davidson is right to evoke memories of Culloden by stating that the only thing left is “bayoneting the wounded”.  He also once described the SNP as neo fascists and threatened to give one of them a doing if she revealed details of a committee meeting to the media.  Sometimes that’s the only language these people understand.

In a commendable piece of self-sacrificing he has previously stated that should separation be achieved then any MoD orders for ships placed in his constituency should be withdrawn.  Rightly so.  Separation shuts shipyards and the Clyde has gone from employing 70,000 in 1913 to around 3,200 today.  What’s Salmond doing about that?  He could always use the yards to build boats to take him and his followers to fantasy island of course.

What A Danny


“The financial benefit of oil to an independent Scotland is being overstated,” according to senior UK Government minister Danny Alexander.  The separatists will stop at nothing in their misguided plans to break apart the most successful political union the world has ever known.  He added that separation would leave those foolish enough to remain in the country £1 per year worse off.

As we know their reputation for parsimony this will be yet another nail in the coffin of Salmond’s vanity project.  In any case we need the broad shoulders of the UK to help even out any troughs caused by fluctuating oil prices which would be an economic catastrophe for a separate Scotland.

Scott By Name But Not By Nature…


Former Liberal Democrats leader Tavish Scott declared that “the only certain aspect about independence is uncertainty”.  He added: “It is a walk in the dark. It is opening a door to a pitch-black room.”

Such poverty of ambition, such contemptuous disregard for the ability of the North Brits to make a go of things on their own.  It’s great to have you on board, Tavish.